Regrets
by SMCKI10
Summary: John has many Regrets, he never thought Teyla would be one of those. Written for the Beya Secret elf exchange.
1. Regrets p1

A/N: Thanks to my beta Camy! This was for the beya Secret elf thing, it was a gift for Mrs.B

Disclaimer: I do not own the show or the characters.

Regrets pt.1

Regrets.

John Shepard had many, and they came in all shapes and sizes. Some were the little reminders that lay in the Christmas cards from his brother of a family he's never met. Or the larger reminder and constant ache that he felt every time he looked into Torren John's face. It wasn't the child's fault that John had let his pride and fear stand in his way when it came to Teyla. But he still felt the ache every time he looked in the baby's face and knew that he was someone else's son. Or when he seen the happy family of three roaming the halls. John was broken out of his thoughts by his door swishing open. He got up from his bed expecting to see Rodney but instead he saw nothing. He stood there for a moment looking out into the corridor then he felt something tug on his pants. He looked down and found little Torren clinging to his legs. John smiled down at him, even though it hurt to be around the little boy, he couldn't seem to stay away from him. John seemed drawn to him much the same way he felt with the child's mother.

"Hey Little Man! How did you get in here?"

"Door." At two and a half Torren was slowly learning how to piece together words, and he already had quite the sense of humor.

"I see that." John said picking the little boy up.

"Let's go find your mom." John said as they made their way down the hall. While they walked, Torren chattered away in the way that toddlers do. John took the time to observe the little boy. In recent months his brown hair had turned even darker to an almost dark black and his smile had become larger which the whole world knew because of how much Torren smiled.

" GYM!" Torren squealed as they made it to the door of the gym. John laughed. Apparently, Torren had gotten more than his eyes from Teyla. John stepped through the door just in time to see one of the new marines hit the wall.

"Well kiddo we found your mom." John said to Torren whose reply was to grab John's hair. John didn't even fight him. He had learned months ago that trying to make him stop was futile.

He walked toward the bench and dropped Torren onto it before sitting down beside him. He watched as Teyla ran the new recruits through the basics of baton fighting. John smiled at the memory when he used to be in the same position as the marines. He missed those days, but it was his own fault those days were long gone. He wasn't sure how long he had let his brain drift off into memory lane, but soon Teyla was dismissing her class. So, he helped Torren off the bench.

"Mommy." Torren shrieked running toward where Teyla was bent down. John watched as Teyla scooped her son up in a big hug.

"Colonel Sheppard?" She asked noticing for the first time who had accompanied her son.

"Hmm Torren found his way to my room so we went off in search of you or –um—who ever was supposed to be watching him."

"His father was. It is not like Kanaan to leave him unattended. Something must have happened. Thank you for making sure he was safe."

"Of course. He means the world to me you know that." For the first time since he had walked in, it was awkward. Reminiscing of how the last three years had been something he thought they were getting past.

"I must go find Kanaan. Torren say goodbye to the Colonel." She said as she stepped past him. Torren turned around and looked over her shoulder.

"Bye-bye Col-neal" As John watched Teyla pack Torren down the hallway, he watched his biggest regret get further and further away. The regret that his son would never know him as anything but Colonel Shepard.


	2. Regrets p2

A/N: Thanks to my beta Camy! This was for the beya Secret elf thing, it was a gift for Mrs.B

Disclaimer: I do not own the show or the characters.

Regrets Pt2

John walked through the crowded San Frisco mall, looking at the various Christmas displays in the windows. He made his way into the Toys-r-us, his excuse to himself was that he was looking for presents for Dave's kid, even though he was only a few months old, but deep down he knew he was there shopping for Torren. This was going to be Torren's third Christmas and this would be the first time that their wasn't a Kanaan shaped road block standing in his way of being a father to Torren. No, now all that was standing in his way was Teyla and the words he had said all those years ago, words that had cost him his family.

He quickly pushed the thoughts out of his mind and made his way down the aisle of remote control cars. He looked at the brightly colored cars and finally picked a lime green one. He then made his way to the next aisle where he had seen more things that he knew Torren would love. An hour later, he walked out of the store with six bags of toys. He knew from his own childhood that toys and gadgets didn't replace absentee parents, but they did make kids more willingly. He slowly made his way back toward where he was suppose to meet Rodney. He had made a vow to himself a few weeks ago that he was going to do everything in his power to be Torren's dad and to maybe someday be Teyla's lover…. again. As he walked, his mind drifted back to the day that changed everything. He had known something was wrong with Teyla for a few weeks, she had been very distance. Then the truth finally came out.

_I am pregnant, John._

_Everyday he wished he could take back that night, the night he destroyed what was the best thing in his life._

_John was mad. No, he was beyond mad. He was pissed! Not only had Teyla kept her pregnancy a secret from him for two months, she was also lying to everyone. She had convinced everyone that her childhood friend Kannan was the father. _

_John knew it was a lie. There was no way Kannan was the father when John was the one she had shared a bed with every night for the last six months. He had let his anger simmer for the afternoon and now he found himself in front of her door ringing the chime. He didn't even wait for her to say anything. He just barged in the moment, the door slid open._

"_What the hell are you doing? TWO MONTHS? Two months you've known that you're carrying our child, MY child. And then you pretend that Kannan is the father? Are you ashamed of me? Of us? I thought we were in love Teyla!"_

"_We are. I just—I was confused John. You are the one who wanted to keep it secret, not me. As leader of my people I understand why you did not want our relationship known. I made the story of Kannan up to protect you, to protect OUR family. You told me what the Air Force would do if they found out about our relationship. They would charge you, possibility send you back to earth." Teyla said, during the entire yelling match they had inched closer to one another. Teyla reached her hand out to stroke his cheek, but John pulled away. He turned toward the window and was silent for a while till he spoke._

"_I'd be a bad dad anyway. Maybe the kid will have a chance at a normal life if Kannan is the father. I mean, like you said, I could be sent back at any moment. It's happened before." John said quietly._

"_John. No. I do not plan for Kannan to be----"_

"_No! Let Kannan be the baby's dad. I don't deserve you or this baby. I'll just screw it up." He said as he kissed her forehead and walked out._

"_John……." Teyla said trying to stop him. She just stood there, staring at the door he had just walked out of, with one hand over their unborn child and one tear streaking down her face._

John broke out of his thoughts by the group from Atlantis coming up to him. On the entire ride back to the city, John started to form a plan in his mind. This was going to be the best Christmas of Torren John Emmagan's life because it'll be the year that his father and his mother's smile returns.


	3. Regrets p3

A/N: Thanks to my beta Camy! This was for the beya Secret elf thing, it was a gift for Mrs.B

Disclaimer: I do not own the show or the characters.

**Regrets Pt.3**

Teyla walked down the hall with little Torren toddling in front of her, it was Christmas Eve and most of the city was deserted with most of the expedition heading off to spend the holiday with their families. Teyla had been invited by numerous people for her and Torren to join them for the holiday. But she had declined because she felt bad for intruding on other people's families. As she turned toward her and Torren's quarters she saw John standing by her door. Three years ago this would have been a welcomed site now it left just questions in her mind. Her and John had been distance from each other since the misunderstanding that had ended their relationship and left Torren fatherless.

"Col?" Teyla asked supsiouscly has she approached.

"Teyla Good. I was afraid you had went with someone." He said with a large smile and a look in his eyes that Teyla hadn't seen in years.

"No. Torren and I were just enjoying the quiet city." At that moment Torren chose to make his presence known by tugging on John's jeans.

"Hey Little man. You ready for Santa to come?" John asked has he scooped the little boy up. Torren shook his head no.

"Torren did not seem to enjoy Santa Claus." Teyla said remembering the trip they had taken with Jennifer earlier that week which had left Torren in tears.

"Yeah most kids his age don't like Santa. No matter the Galaxy." He said has loosed his grasp on the little boy and swung him around like an airplane that had quickly became one of TJ's favorite games. Teyla watched with a sad smile has John and Torren played, has she watched them she thought of what could have been and all the moments just like this one that all three of them had missed out on over the years. The moment was broken by one of the techs radioing to john. John quickly replied and set Torren back on the ground.

"Um the reason I came is I have gifts for you and Torren." He said has he picked up the packages that was at his feet.

"I'll see ya later." He said as he turned and walked away, Teyla watched him go wondering what as changed.

"Come on Torren." She said has she ran her hand over the door panel. Once they made their way into the room Teyla settled him on the floor and set beside him with the boxes in her lap.

"Here Torren, let us see what your father got for you." She froze after she said it, it was the first time she had ever admitted that John was his Father. She shook it off and handed the present to the small boy who tore through the paper and produce a toy airplane that he quickly began to 'fly' around the room. Teyla smiled at her son happiness and then her eyes landed on her present. It was a small square box with a card attached. She quietly tore the paper off and popped the top opened. She looked at the ring that was inside. It was a simple diamond that was set inside of the origin symbol for earth with the Atoshian's crest around the origin symbol. She laid it down beside her and picked up the card.

_Teyla. _

_I've had this ring for three and a half years. For Three and a half years I've wanted you to be my wife. Yes I've had this since before you were pregnant, three months actually. I had planned on asking you shortly after my return to peguas. But then the attack happened and we lost Elizabeth and suddenly I was in charge of the whole city and it was just all so much then when things were finally getting back to normal and I was getting my courage up. You dropped the bomb that you were pregnant, at the time I was livid that you had hid it but looking back I understand I was an ass to you then I used you has a release instead of my partner in those weeks. And I hate to think our son was convinced that way. I also understand that you did it to protect him, you knew that Michael was still out there and still threat and that he would do anything to get his hands on a baby with both the ATA gene and the Wraith gene. I get that now I was just blinded by hurt back then. But the last few years I've slowly come to understand it. I love you, I always have and I always will. No matter what. _

_Be my Wife?_

_I'll be waiting for you and Torren on the southeast balanocy at 9:00 Christmas morning. _

_Love, John. _

John's name became smudged has a tear slid down Teyla's cheek and landed on the page. She looked up at Torren playing happily with the plane and then back down at the ring.

Once again she had to make a choice she just hoped this time it would be the right one. 


	4. Regrets p4

A/N: Thanks to my beta Camy! This was for the beya Secret elf thing; it was a gift for Mrs.B

Disclaimer: I do not own the show or the characters.

Regrets Pt.4

John paced up and down the length of the southeast balcony. It was 9:20p.m. in the evening and still no sign of Teyla and Torren.

He had been extremely nervous since he had given Teyla the letter. He had spent most of his Christmas Eve standing on that balcony. He had decorated the whole balcony with what he knew to be traditional Athosian decorative pieces. He had also thrown in some American touches. He had even placed a large Christmas Tree in the corner and underneath was about twenty presents for Torren and at least ten for Teyla. He just hoped all of his planning wasn't in vain. He hoped that he hadn't ruined what chance they had left.

He broke out of his self-hate by the sound of unsteady footsteps; a sound he had come to love. He turned toward the doorway and was greeted with the sight of Torren dragging his toy airplane behind him.

"Col-Nel!" Torren said as he wrapped his arms around John's Knees.

"Hey little man, did you come by your self?" John asked as he picked the little boy up and tossed him in the air causing Torren to burst out giggling. Then, John saw Teyla appear by the doorway.

"No he did not. I just thought I would let him make an entrance." She said with a large smile.

"He's good at that."

"Much like his father." She said as she stepped away form the doorway, and for the first time, she took in the decorations.

"John, it's beautiful."

"It's part one of my attempt to show you that American culture and Athosian Culture can be combined."

"The last five years have shown me that."

"Okay, well maybe I was trying to show you we could be combined."

"I know that as well." Teyla said has she turned back to him and ran her hand over Torren's head.

"So you've shown. Does that mean you no longer hate me?"

"I never hated you John. We just had a difference of opinion on what was best for Torren."

"Do we still have a difference of opinion on what's best for him?"

"I do not think so. We still have lots of things to work out. But I do still love you, John. I have never stopped. And I am sorry for the pain I have caused—"

"I'm sorry for the pain I've cause you. Believe me, I know I'm not an easy man to love or to even be around, in most cases. But I need you to know that I am never going to abandon you or Torren again. I know you haven't been able to count on me a lot, at least in the personal sense, and I'm sorry for that. I just hope that I can make it right."

Teyla wiped a starry tear from her eye and stepped closer to him.

"You already have John. And you are not alone in tearing our relationship apart. I did not help matters."

"So let's agree to put everything beind us. And we'll get married and we'll raise Torren—"

"It is not that simple. Yes, we can put all of it behind us, but we can not just ignore it, John. Those years, those mistakes, they happened. We can not pretend they didn't exist, but we can attempt to move past them. That is why I must give this back to you." She said handing him the ring box back.

Before John could say anything, she continued. "For now."

"For now? So, that means that maybe someday?"

"Yes. It means that someday I will say yes." She said with a smile.

"That's all I ask." He said as he leaned down and kissed her. He soon found himself lost in the kiss. It had been close to three years since his lips had touched hers, and it was just as magical as he remembered. They broke the kiss and walked towards Torren who had wandered over to the Christmas tree and was attempting to pull the gifts out. John and Teyla both laughed at him before John turned back to Teyla.

"Should we help our son before he tears into all of them." John asked.

"We should." She said as they walked over to the tree. John scooped Torren up in his arms, throwing him in the air before joining Teyla under the tree. John sat with Torren in his lap, as the little toddler babbled away while opening his many presents with Teyla's assistance. John looked at both of them, and he once again had a regret. That it had taken them this long to get to this moment.

One year Later….

Torren bounced up and down the bed waking John out of his sleep. It had been a year since that day on the balcony. And in that year, so much in John's life had changed. Atlantis had returned to the Pegasus Galaxy, which meant that SGA-1 was once again able to go on missions. Also, in that year, he and Teyla had repaired the damage that the past few years had caused in their relationship and he had learned how to be a father to Torren. All that had led him to this moment. He opened his eyes and he was nose to nose with Torren.

"Dadddddyyyyyy. It's CHRISTMAS!!!" The four year old said still bouncing up and down.

"I know buddy."

"Then get UP!!! Mommy said no presents till yooouuu get uuupppp."

"I'm up, I'm up." John said getting out of bed and letting Torren pull him out of his and Teyla's bedroom and into the main room of their quarters. John made his way over to Teyla who was sitting on the couch watching as Torren made a bee line for the tree.

"Thanks for the wake-up call." John said as he kissed her before he sat down beside her."

"Be thankful I made him wait this long. He has been wanting to wake you since 5:30 this morning."

"Thank you." He said as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Your welcome."

"I missed you this morning. How did Torren wake you up without waking me?" He asked with a laugh.

In the last year, it had become obvious that Torren was John's son since one of their many similarities was that he was anything but quiet, just like his father.

"He didn't. I was already awake. Your daughter seems to have her days and nights mixed up." As she talked, John let his hand drift across her stomach where their baby girl had been growing for the past seven months. In two more months she would make her appearance, and John could hardly wait. This time he was going to be there for everything, not watching from afar like he had with Torren.

"Mommy!!! Daddy!!! Presents!!!"

"Okay Buddy! We're coming." John said as he and Teyla walked over to the tree and joined Torren in his present rampage.

As John sat with one arm around Teyla, his other tenderly caressing her tender belly which held his unborn baby girl, and watching their little boy open his presents; John Sheppard had no regrets.


End file.
